Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Starfleet Ice Cream Waiter

My wife Ivy and I have been marathon-watching Star Trek: the Next Generation this week, and something suddenly occurred to me.

"Damn, they eat a lot of ice cream on Ten-Forward."

That makes sense. I mean why build a perfect techno-socialist utopia if you can't eat as much ice cream as you want?

But that got me thinking. The Federation is a post-scarcity civilization. Within the Federation they have eliminated poverty, illness, or need. Money doesn't even exist. No one needs to work, but people do work. They have the luxury of taking the job they want.

And here we are on the Enterprise, at Ten-Forward, and there's someone (other than Guinan, even) taking some kid's ice cream order. Someone's dream job was to serve ice cream on a spaceship.

Ivy tells me, "Well, maybe they wanted to travel through space but didn't have the skill or talent to make it through Starfleet."

Now that's a compelling story! And here's the thing, you just don't start your food service career on the flagship of the Starfleet. No, this person had to work their way up. They had to start out as, like, a busboy on some tramp freighter in some backwater sector. The worked hard every day, slopping tables and serving synthahol to grumpy merchant marines, thinking "Some day... Some day I'll serve a banana split to Wesley Crusher."

Holy cow, where's that guy's story? Where's the movie, novel, or TV episode about that guy? I want to read that! Or better, yet, I want to play in that RPG! Heck, maybe I'll write it.


  1. This is the character you play when your attributes are below average.

  2. You think that guy is just an ice cream waiter. But he's a highly trained space marine who has retired from action because he wants to spread some joy in his life to make up for all the killing he's done. When the entire ship has been taken over by the Borg, their gonna overlook Ten-Forward because the Borg don't eat ice cream do they? So who do you think is gonna rise to the occasion and save the day? Yeah. The Ice Cream Waiter. Shit, someone get Van Damme or Segal on the line . . .

  3. Some quotes from the movie (coming in 2015):

    Icecream waitress: [Krill has informed Icecream waitress that all the men in the loading bay are about to be blown into space] We've got to save them.

    Granger: You know they're gonna have a trap for us.

    Icecream waitress: Yeah, but they're expecting *me*, not all of us.

    Tackman: All of what? I do laundry. I was ironing during the Dominion War. I ain't cut out for this hero bullshit.

    Icecream waitress: You're in Starfleet, remember? It's not a job, it's an adventure!

    Admiral Bates: This is Admiral Bates speaking. I am trying to get a hold of the icecream waitress. Is she about?

    Jordan Tate: She's in a gunfight right now. I'm gonna have to take a message.

    Capt. Picard: Chief, get in your dress uniform.

    Icecream waitress: Sir, you know how I feel about ceremonies. I thought maybe this time, uh...

    Capt. Picard: You know, if I had your ribbons, I'd wear them to bed.