Sunday, September 21, 2014

Twenty Things That May or May Not Be True About Orcs

Orcs? Fuck yeah orcs!
1) Orcs do not “wear” armor. Rather, they permanently bolt armor plates to their flesh and bone. A powerful warboss may be encased in 200 pounds of iron and bronze.

2) Orcs are superstitiously afraid of cats, which is why you always want to bring a cat with you into a dungeon.

3) Orcs actually have a proud bardic tradition. However, orc bards are hard to distinguish from warriors, what with all the shouting and head-butting. Orcish music is known to cause disturbing hallucinations in humans.

4) Scoring a critical hit on an Orc will cause it to split into 3d4 kobolds.

5) Orcs and morlocks are bitter rivals, constantly fighting over the limited supplies of sweet, sweet gnome meat.

6) The orcish language is at least partially scent-based.

7) Orcs are descended from special shock troopers engineered by the Scumdogs of the Universe, a malevolent race of star-conquerors engaged in perpetual space-war with the Psychedelic Overlords, creators of the elves.  

8) Orc tears are deadly poison. Orc blood is a frightening narcotic.

9) Half-orcs are mutations caused when an orc eats a human baby.

10) Morlocks are mutations caused when a human eats an orc baby.

11) There is a certain caste of orcish berserkers who can transform into giant boars in the heat of battle.

12) Orcs breed by mating with thunderstorms in a process too horrible to describe.

14) Orcs are the spawn of Demogorgon. They are the physical manifestations of violence and misfortune.

15) Orc culture is surprisingly sexually egalitarian; females own property, fight along side the males, and can rise as warbosses.

16) Orcs believe that this world is the afterlife, and that by dying in battle they will be reborn into the real world.  

17) Orcs cannot become undead. No one knows why.

18) Orcs are immune to all ingested poisons, yet their stomach flora does not allow them to digest plant matter.

19) Orcs are expert metalsmiths. Orcish bronze is stronger than steel.

20) Orcs are are intoxicated by sunlight. Their puritanical religious dogma requires them to remain subterranean and nocturnal.